A list of non-profit organizations that someone needs to start up. And by "someone", I specifically mean, "someone else". However, I would enthusiastically promote, with every mean I possess, any message produced by any one of the following agencies:
Partnership for a "Partnership for a Drug-Free America"-Free America
Mission Statement: "To eradicate the flow of funding to, and middle-class American respect for, the most hypocritical, irrational, and draconian message machine still able to afford prime-time television advertising."
Seriously, someone needs to stop these fucking people. See here:
"PDFA was the subject of criticism when it was revealed by Cynthia Cotts of the Village Voice that their federal tax returns showed that they had received several million dollars worth of funding from major pharmaceutical, tobacco and alcohol corporations including American Brands (Jim Beam whiskey), Philip Morris (Marlboro and Virginia Slims cigarettes, Miller beer), Anheuser Busch(Budweiser, Michelob, Busch beer), R.J. Reynolds (Camel, Salem, Winston cigarettes), as well as pharmaceutical firms Bristol Meyers-Squibb, Merck & Company and Procter & Gamble. From 1997 it has discontinued any direct fiscal association with tobacco and alcohol suppliers, although it still receives donations from pharmaceutical companies[2]"
Sure, Wikipedia is full of errors. Full of 'em.
Also, marijuana is gaining serious traction as a pharmaceutical and there are now dispensaries in goddamned Michigan, where even the hippies have NRA cards, so shut the fuck up already.
Progressives for Palin
Mission Statement: "To help ensure the nomination of Sarah Palin to the 2012 Republican Presidential candidacy."
With an Obama re-election looking to be increasingly in the bag, the time is ripe to lay the foundation for a bit of unpopular, divisive, back-handed "insurance". The nomination of Sarah Palin for the GOP Prez canididacy would seal an Obama victory in 2012.
Better yet, a failed attempt at said nomination could result in the most debilitating third-party spoiler in American history.
What seals the deal for me is the fact that, in relation to the the Democratic party I was raised to vote for, Obama is squarely a Republican. If you actually want a balanced ballot, you have to put a charismatic, infantile, fascistic, wasp-y, soccer mom-type (because, it could just as easily be a man, you know) in the open spot. Go Sarah!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Spiders (PETS)
Mission Statement: "To stop the spread of vile and baseless slander aimed at the stealthy and majestic Arachnid, overlooked friend of Homo Habilis."
Okay, no; I too have no special wish to keep a spider as a pet. However, my lovely squealers, they have been misunderstood most heinously. Please do not step on, smash, or otherwise offend the next tiny janitor you see. Give 'em a ride out the door, if you must.
Janitor, you ask? Well:
Exhibit 'A': They motherfucking eat cockroaches. 'A(1)': And all the other ugly, sideways, oblique-wiggle bitches that like to run over your toes in bathroom and remind your half-awake ass of every nasty bug-based horror movie with a freaky shower scene in it your brother ever made you watch. TOTALLY ruins the full-frontal female nudity. Totally. Ruins. It.
Exhibit 'B': That shit your drunk cousin's drunk-ass wife told everyone else's drunk ass at the Thanksgiving table about how many spiders the average person eats while they're asleep is pure urban fucking myth. The stealthy and majestic arachnid wishes nothing to do with your sticky, smelly volcano hole. It's fully fucking aware that that shit is a putrid slime-slide straight to your intenstines, even if you've conveniently forgotten that little detail.
If you think I'm talking out of my ass, then you'd better sleep with a fucking clothespin on your flappers, mouth-breather. Who the fuck BELIEVES they swallow spiders at night, and doesn't do a goddamn thing about it? Seriously, seek professional assistance.
Exhibit 'C': The number of reported envenemation from dangerous spiders in the U.S. is already extremely low, but it turns out that EIGHTY PERCENT of the most common reports (those involving the Brown Recluse and some form of "necrosis") are probably misdiagnosed.
Spoiler!: these folks all maybe have eczema, or psoriasis.
But, you know. If the majestic arachnid in YOUR house is a poisonous man-killer, then yeah, eliminate that motherfucker.
