Before you while away the minutes flipping through your mental TMZ rolodex to figure out which Logan I'm speaking of, let me just tell you. It's my buddy, Logan. Maybe he hasn't quite reached the fame level of a Fawcett or a Jackson. Here's a photo hint:
That's right. He was a rat. A hooded rat, to be (semi-) precise. And he was at least as important to me as The King of Pop, and certainly more important than Farah Fawcett (sorry, Lee Majors).
He wasn't quite as funny as Ed McMahon. But he was close.
You know what happens to rats? They squeak and beg and wriggle their way into your heart. They act like tiny dogs (the vet groups them in the category of "pocket pets"), learning silly tricks that you teach them inadvertently, and then, long before you are ready for it, they die.
They don't moonwalk, become sex symbols, or pithily one-up your favorite late-night host. On the plus side, they also don't act weird with your children, embarrass themselves on Letterman, or sell magazine subscriptions.
Speaking of emabrassing one's self on Letterman, I always thought I could send this photo in and get us on "Stupid Pet Tricks":
It's a great photo, but it doesn't do justice to the extent of the trick. Logan would actually put his entire head in there. He was looking for a raisin.
Since falling in love with rats, it has become my personal mission to prove to the world that they are not the disgusting sewer-dwellers that everyone thinks they are. Come over to our apartment for a beer and a game of "Celebrity" and you will see what I am talking about. Also, you may get frustrated while playing "Celebrity".
Our rats, like most pet rats, are undeniably cute, and waaaaaay smarter than you think they are. Recently, a labratory study proved that rats posess metacognition, whch means they can think about their own thought processes.
This means that they are fucking geniuses.
No, no-- don't argue.
Yes, your dog is very cute, and very friendly. Do you think he knows whether or not he knows stuff? Yeah, me neither.
In my opinion, capacity for metacognition also makes rats smarter than Farah Fawcett (sorry again, Lee Majors).
As if you needed it, I have one final piece of evidence to help me testify that Logan was as cute, or possibly cuter, than whatever the hell you're passing around photos of at work. Exhibit 'A', your honor:
"You can't HANDLE the truth!!!"
In short, Logan was more than just a source of endless entertainment and a bright little cagemate for Lawrence, who survives him (clumsily). He was a member of our family, and he'll be missed.
They are Rat. Hear them sneeze.
